At one point in my life I considered myself an optimist. I do believe I was a bit confused though. I wasn't so much an optimist as I was someone that knew how to put on a happy smile even when things weren't going good. I couldn't allow anyone around me to know what I was enduring at home in my relationship. It was my protection, my wall.
Well flash forward to now, I'm in a happy marriage where my husband allows me to have feelings even if they don't make sense to him. We've both endured many traumas in our lives before we came together, and while we did do quite a bit of healing before coming together... healing is still occurring. Breaking old habits is still happening. I'm so thankful for a him and his beautiful, graceful understanding and acceptance of the person that I am. The Good the Bad and the UGLY! lol But it's time to work on this shiz.
Here's the deal though, while his understanding and acceptance is wonderful, there comes a point where I have to dig down a little deeper and push past this negative cycle that I've landed myself in. His understanding can only take me so far. I am surrounded by people that love and support me and remind me more often that I feel I deserve sometimes, that I'm awesome. But my negative self talk tends to have a bit of a louder voice than my loved ones. It over powers in my alone times, and I allow it to take full control.
I don't know how long I've been on this struggle bus. Even in moments of clarity and awareness of one thing, I feel like I'm oblivious to other areas of my life that need work too.
But I've been mean to myself for long enough.
I accomplished 20 days of yoga!
Then I began a new morning routine to allow for peaceful moments for regular daily yoga along with some other self care tasks to recognize the good that I'm doing, and to work on quieting the negative self talk. I really don't have the energy to dog myself when I'm pushing to the max to hold that plank for a whole 20 seconds! I also relieve myself of shit to dog myself of when I'm drinking my water, taking my vitamins, washing my face, and getting dressed before 10am every day! I feel a smidge like a bad ass... and I'll feel even more of a bad ass when I get to day 10 (today was day 6), and then to day 20, and so on and so forth. 10 seconds at a time, 10 days at a time.
My heart is bruised enough from me beating myself up for not setting goals that were a little too big too soon, it's time to heal from my own personal shit right now and start small. Time to be more intentional! Small goals lead to big success!
Sometimes I feel as if I'm saying the same thing in different ways to myself, and maybe I am. But if that is what it takes to become a better me tomorrow than I was yesterday than I'll continue to do it. I am my own worst enemy, but it's about time to be my own bestie! <3
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