This is one of several blog posts in the series "But, I'm Stronger Now" that are pieces of my story of surviving a 5-year relationship with a narcisist. I don't plan on writing them in chronological order. I also won't go into too much depth with the arguments for a couple of reasons. #1 the arguments were generally about cheating, drinking excessively, or me standing up for myself and him gaslighting me to the point of silence #2 I didn't know what gaslighting was until after our relationship ended. The result of this lead me down rabbit holes of insanity in my head and I don't clearly remember details of certain events due to questioning myself for years. The effects of long-term gaslighting can be devastating but you can gain your confidence back... mine is still getting stronger, but it is possible!
Now, onto the story...
I'm a night owl. I always have been. I typically would stay up until midnight on most nights but tonight I couldn't sleep. He worked in the restaurant industry at this time and was working at a very popular bar & grill downtown, so closing time was 2 am. I couldn't sleep, he had been unfaithful so much at this point that I was just looking for it. Waiting for it to happen again... talk about manifesting. I was creating my own world of shit by sitting there and allowing my emotions and my ego to seek out situations to pick fights in an attempt to change this person and make him love me the way I needed to be loved. But I wasn't even loving myself. Not by sitting there.
Anwho, I was lying awake, wondering if he was going to get home on time. And he didn't. He wasn't responding to texts or phone calls. He arrives and he's holding a clear "to go" container that the restaurant uses to package up 2 - 3 servings of soup... just to give you an idea of how much this container holds. At first, I thought it was full of water... but I was very wrong. It didn't take me long into our conversation to realize he was already drunk and was still drinking straight gin from this container. His responses weren't making sense and he was just getting angrier and angrier.
I had been working on trying to start an Etsy business with some paper crafts and painting projects. He was very upset that the business was taking time away from him. I argued with this because again, EGO... the argument got worse as it lasted until the sun came up and elevated a bit to the point that he was scaring me. He was threatening to hurt himself and started punching himself in the head, so I called the cops. After I got off the phone, he was more in my face. So I grabbed my bag and keys and headed for the front door. He jumped in front of me and knocked my purse and keys out of my hands, and I turned to leave out through the back door, but before I made it there, he grabbed my jacket to stop me. I turned and slid one arm out of the jacket while he was holding the other and I slapped him, he still didn't let me go so I slapped him again after repeatedly telling him to let me go. That pissed him off to the point that he finally decided to leave me alone and went outside to wait for the cops and smoke a cigarette. I just sat on the couch, trying to figure out what in the hell was going on with my life and what was going to happen next.
He gave the cops his report of me slapping him and wanted to press charges of course, so one officer stayed outside with him while the other one came inside to speak with me. He asked me if it was true and I told him it was. I explained the story and he asked me "Did you feel imprisoned?" my egotistical response was "No, I could've whopped his ass, but I didn't want to hurt him." The officer even gave me a 2nd chance to answer this question, but I answered it the same way. I later realized #1 I wasn't strong than him and I couldn't whop his ass, and #2 I should've said Yes, I felt like he wasn't going to let me leave and I was scared. Because that was the damn truth. I was scared shitless but I wasn't going down without a fight damn it! I was headstrong!
The officer then escorted me outside as politely as he could to tell me that I was under arrest for assault. Once my ex saw them put the handcuffs on me he of course started saying he wanted to drop charges. But this was labeled domestic violence case and the officer had to follow the procedure and I had to be detained until I could see a judge, which would be the next day.
You'd think that this would have been the end. It wasn't. This was about 3 years into the relationship.
The promises of quitting drinking, promises to go to counseling, promises of finding another job to remove the temptation... the promises all came pouring in. The alligator tears and promises of no more lies and no more secrets.
I fell for it. Again. In the name of love.
I had no clue what love was. I had to love myself enough to get out of this relationship. It took another year before I would become aware of this reality.
Until the next story, if you find yourself in a narcissistic or abusive relationship and you're reading this, please speak with someone confidentially about your situation. Gain the support that you need, to reignite the confidence and self-love that you need to exit the abuse and get help to do it safely if necessary. You are not alone. https://www.thehotline.org/
