I was raised in a home that believed FAMILY WAS EVERYTHING and our family gatherings were sacred, it was a place of appreciation for one another and fellowship. When I say family I'm talking 2 -3 generations gathering for a meal. However, the separation between my family and I began with the passing of my grandfather.
Witnessing the separation between siblings while he rested fairly peacefully for the last few hours of his life on this earth, it was confusing and hard for me. Seeing them fall apart because of disagreements on inheritance and other things that I still don't fully know or understand. At such a sensitive time, that's what they were worried about. I was in my late 20's and still quite naive, but I believed something like this would never happen... not in MY FAMILY!
I only recently became aware and fully understand now why this family meant so much to my mother, and why she raised me to believe this way as well. She was a single mother and during her rises and falls in life, her family supported her a lot through her struggles and she felt so much love, respect and appreciation for all of their support that she raised me with that same belief. They were the same for me growing up. I have many fond memories with each of my family members of them being a very loving figure in my life!
I'm not here to bash or bad mouth my relatives. People change, grow, things happen, feelings get hurt. I am here to share my belief that being "family" doesn't excuse you from the struggles of life, but it also doesn't mean that anyone has a free pass to disrespect or mistreat you either.
The 2nd stage of my separation from my family began when my mother passed away. It was made very clear to me on several occasions that the relatives that I was raised to respect were great life supporters for my mother, but they weren't for me. The respect was obviously not mutual. My feelings were hurt, I shut down and I stopped visiting as often. I did this all without communicating with anyone. For all I know, the only person that knew my feelings were hurt was me.
The final stage happened when my grandmother passed away. There was no communication with me about anything regarding her passing, the memorial service, or the grave side service. I was extremely hurt and angry and I sent an email to one of my uncles declaring my anger and disappointment in being related to him.
That anger has been hanging around in me for quite some time now. Repressed anger really isn't good for our physical body or our mental health. So let's get back to my earlier point. After acknowledging all of this anger, I've been having to come to terms with some things to help me let go of that anger.
#1 My here and now is worth more than the outburst of emotions caused by past situations.
#2 My relatives experienced losses just as much as I did, I acted out in ways that I'm not proud of and I'm sure they did as well. It didn't serve me and vice versa... no need to point fingers when I have my own mess to clean up.
#3 Not everyone is meant for me or to be a part of my life and vice versa.
#4 Your actions may have disappointed them just as much as their actions disappointed you. When expectations are not communicated it can cause some of the nastiest feelings.
#5 Mama, I'm so glad that the "family" was there to support you in your life, but family has a new meaning for me. 😉
I do still believe in family and how important it is... an example, my husband and children are my number 1 priority. During these years of separating and breaking these "family" ties I have added new family members, or I also like to call them tribe members. Individuals that serve amazing purposes in my life, supporting me in many ways, and I am always looking for opportunities that I can be of service and support to them in their lives as well.
Were you raised in a household that believes FAMILY IS EVERYTHING? I'd love to hear from you on this topic over in our Expressions - The Community.
No comments:
Post a Comment